Looking back

Loss and reflections

I’ve thought about how to write “Looking back” this week. So I’ll start with the loss. Saturday 11 November our mother passed away, one whole week. She really left us years ago, having slipped into the silent world of dementia. Mum had vascular dementia, she had it for sometime. If I’m honest and with hindsight her symptoms started to appear around 19 years ago but we didn’t recognise them for what they were - hindsight is a wonderful thing. For the last seven years mum had been in a care home in Norfolk where she lived in recent years, having finally stopped coping after our father died eight years ago, I think he covered her condition well. The slide into silence was slow at first, then seem to gather momentum. The two years lost to Covid when the home was closed and then only one visitor was allowed, took their toll and because my brother was local it made sense for him to be that visitor. Before this, Mum had already stopped recognising us so I’d decided to stop visiting. Rightly or wrongly I couldn’t make myself go and I’ve had to live with that guilt. But when you have travelled for an hour and three quarters and you are met with at best a blank stare or sleep you sort of feel what’s the point, one sided conversation is not easy at the best of times. This year though I have visited more, in fact three times in just the last five weeks. The last time was the Friday before she passed to say goodbye. We now have to wait until 11 December to say our final goodbyes due to a backlog of funerals which actually feels more like the norm these days, but 3-4 weeks is just too long.

We’ve walked a fair bit, you can get lost in thought whilst walking, not always necessary to talk, giving time to work things out in your head. The above photo is of the local lakes in our village. A permit holders only walk which makes for a very peaceful spot to sit a reflect

Hunstanton beach, we stopped off to clear our heads after a visit two weeks ago. Windy enough to blow the cobwebs and put colour in your cheeks.

Autumn colour, skies and berries

What I’ve been cooking

Amongst many pumpkin and squash recipes, I made this years Christmas puddings, a recipe I’ve made for a good number of years now. I figure why change it when it works. It’s from a BBC Good Food magazine published in 2002, so that’s more than a good number of years!

We got another walk in that week too between the rain storms

What’s on my needles

It’s all about socks at present, using up lots of minis from my stash. I have a pair on the go in shades of blue for the youngest grandson and also a sweater which he asked me to make him. Its not often they ask for much in the way of knitting these days so I’m always happy when they do ask. He even chose the yarn based on some socks and a hat I made him previously. Knitting also provides a quiet time to think and reflect, calmly slipping stitches from one needle to another. Stitches that my mother taught me to do. She was such a prolific knitter. Not many weeks went by when our children were small that she didn’t make them a cardigan or jumper, always matching patterns if not matching colours. I hardly ever needed to knit for our children.

Fond and not so fond memories, we had our ups and downs but then what mother and daughter doesn’t, and being the eldest with two younger brothers (who could do no wrong or so it seemed at the time) I guess I paved the way. I do think that she made me a better mother in some ways as I was determined not to repeat mistakes I deemed she had made. I guess none of us is perfect and we all try to do our best.

Finally the compost arrived for the allotment. Physical exercise as we barrowed (him) raked (me). The beds topped up and tucked away for the winter

2023 really has been a trial - we lost mother in law in June, sister in law in July, mum in November. As a family I think we are done, we’ve given more than enough. World news makes such awful reading, war, politics, weather, natural disasters you name it. Just too depressing.

We could do with some good news for a change, something to make us smile and gladden our hearts (though I have just read bedtime stories and tucked in our two youngest grandchildren so there’s a start).

Hoping the rest of your weekend is peaceful, carefree and happy x